Well Friday the13th turned out to be an very educational day for me and the kindhearted Mocambiqians only charged me about $50 dollars split between Amir &I now know for a fact if I took a chick out for a date it would cost me morethan that in dinner drinks entertainment & I wouldn’t even get Laid. At the very least the Mocambiqians didfu*k me in a way it wasn’t good but not all sex is good and it cost me under$100.00 bucks. Like Banda said “if a Mocambiqians hasn’t rolled you….. Youhaven’t experienced Mocambique.”
Banda arrives athis appointed time and we are off to Swaziland. We make it through the maze ofchaos that the Mocambiqians call rush hour and get to the country side. There Itold you Banda has a brand new avis rent a car with some guts. Bandaimmediately winds that baby up to about 140 -150 Kph or for the uneducated wewere doing between 90 – 100 mph. great feeling just watching the country sidewiz by in a blur. Stopped along the way took some pix of people & houses inMocambique they will follow later. Finally made it to the border in about an hourbut doing speeds that we were doing if you put wings on that car we would havebeen flying. Here the border crossing was very tranquil. Nobody hassling you totry & get rich or pick pocket you walked in got stamped out of Mocambiqueand said so long forever maybe not forever but it would have to be a prettytall order to entice me for a return visit. Even Mimmo’s pizza couldn’t get meto return.
The bordersbetween Mocambique and Swaziland are about 20 feet just like crossing thestreet. Again here the border crossing was stress less. Got stamped intoSwaziland took a sh*t load of pictures. Then we were on our merry way. NowBanda being from Swaziland told us he had to give us a lesson in drivinghistory. As we passed all 3 Swaziland check points for immigration police &military we arrive at a grocery store. Banda proceeds to go into the store andbuys a case of beer. He tells Amir & me “ This is the way we do it inSwaziland” I didn’t want to offend my host especially when he was driving so Iparticipated even though I know drinking & driving can have some unforeseennegative consequences. We take off againdoing between 140-150 KPH drinking smoking cigs and listening to my I pod AmirI pod and Banda’s flash drive. As we are speeding along I keep noticing signswith the warning wild animals crossing impala’s rhino’s. I causally mentionthis to Banda and he says don’t worry this car is equipped with airbags I gotinsurance on the car and you are wearing a seatbelt. Again who did I say Godtakes care of? Yeah I’m thinking in the back of my mind if we hit anything thatmight just put a big curve ball in my trip. By the grace of God we make it toBanda’s house. Meet his family wife kid’s dogs. When we arrive they are alleating dinner so I contribute those expensive ass prawns that I bought at theFish market on Costa del Sol Maputo. They were extremely appreciative andstarted right in on the prawns. Meanwhile our beer supply is running onextremely low like red light get of your behind and go get some more.Fortunately this is Swaziland & Banda sends one of his kids to the store tobuy some more suds. Fortunately for us you don’t have to be 18 years of age tobuy some suds in Swaziland. His son returns immediately and the happy hourcontinues at Banda’s house under the stars. Then Banda says something very fewpeople can say & back it up, He looks Amir & me and everyone elsearound in the eye with his wife standing next to him and in the most sinceretone I’ve heard in a while he says “ I am truly happy with my wife family andthe way my life is going.’” I like saying to myself how many people in theworld can make a statement like that in the world and really mean it and youknow what they say a drunk mind means a sober heart. I met someone who is truly happy and sittingin Banda’s yard I look up & see a shooting star go overhead & I make my3 wishes that I hope come true. Really amazing events that happened.
Falco calls andsays that he almost @ Chris’s house & where are we. Banda replies” On theway “We get back into the car & drive over to Chris’s house in Mbabane.
Once we get toChris house in Mbabane the party is on again he has a house full of people whowant to meet Amir & I makes me feel like a Rock star I start telling themwhere we have been and where we are going and you know the conversation justtakes off faster than a hoe giving a guy a penguin blow job. At Chris’s house hehas a refrigerator full of suds party favors to go along with the suds and foodon the grill. What more can a regular guy ask for. Oh I forgot to mention onall of the side streets in Swaziland they have speed bumps to slow you down.Not just 1 or 2 they normally have about 3 to 4 placed statically to keep thespeeds down. Good move because people do have a tendency to have a lead footover here. Now at Chris’s house it is kinda chilly winter time in the southernhemisphere so we are all around the fire having a ball …. Conversation is abouteverything all over the world. Nice thing I really enjoyed about Mbabane iseverywhere you looked in the sky you can see the stars. I felt kinda stupidthat I didn’t download that application that tells you the entireconstellation. . Getting back to Chris house. Swaziland boasts the bestmarijuana in the world. Unfortunately since I’m on a random I was not allowedto participate. But I can tell you one thing that sh*t smelled good as winningthe mega lotto. Control …control Mike you know the consequences of youractions. So we eventually wind the party down. I do believe I saw the sunstarting to break through. Falco says come on I’m going to take you to theHotel you will be staying at. Chris’ wife hears this and immediately starts aprotest loudly making an uncomfortable scene …. “They are not going to a Hotelthey will stay here with us.” So WTF I’m going to go against my host and say”no we are going to the Hotel?” To make a long story short we stayed at Chris’shouse for the entire weekend.
Saturday morning arrives soonerthan I expected. Falco gives us a great wakeup call with the breakfast ofChampions. Oh by the way did I mention that Chris runs the entiretransportation system in Swaziland. And he has a really nice crip. One of thosecribs on MTV cribs…. But he owns his not renting. So Falco arrives @ 10:30 inthe morning and he takes us to the hood of Mbabane. Right across the streetfrom his good friend Sitix. As Falco described Sitix he said “Sitix would takea bullet for me.” Powerful sh*t. so we pull up in front of Sitix crib and theparty begins again. Met all the homies & Homelets really good people wetake several pix together and just hang all day long doing what regular folksdo on a Saturday afternoon suck down some suds they were able to enjoy partyfavors and eat some really good food. Amir mentions to one of Falco’s crewabout some plants seeds that he wants to take back to Thailand & grow.Within a nano second homeboy comes back with several bags of all types ofnative fruits and vegetables and gives to Amir. Like I told you before Amir hasdragged me to the corners of the earth looking for some of the most exoticseeds that you can ever imagine. Call Amir Charles Darwin…. Same same.
So as the daywears on Falco keeps telling us that we have a wedding to go to. The weddingstarts at noon we arrive just as the reception is beginning. Gotta scan themenu and lets you see how much food and people were there. The only bad thingthat happened at the wedding for me was that my camera died. My battery calledout and said BATTERY EXAUSTED. Negro you been using me harder than a rentedmule and haven’t given me a break. Now this is my dilemma. My tablet with mycamera is @ Chris’s house we are somewhere in Mbabane and I have no way torecord all of the events that are happening around me. Now African guys likebig chicks as opposed to me who I can fall faster than lightening for a pieceof poison you know my type high powered chest hour glass waist Phatt booty anda million dollar smile and wearing a pair of stilettos. At this reception allthe poison is sitting in the losers corner sitting there saying to themselvesI’m gonna go to the fattening farm & become a big fat slob who all of theseguys will give their left testicle for. I casually walk over to the loser’scorner and see some chicks who I immediately want to get with and start kickingmy game. Now these chick start treating me like I some type of Casanova… Nowall of y’all in my cyber world know I cannot compete with a legendCasanova. I play it off Falco got hiscamera out takes several pictures with me and these chicks who are definitelyPOISON. As I said wait for the pix andread the story 1st I’m trying to paint a picture with words.
Starts gettingdark and the party breaks up now Falco & Chris take us to the no nonsense bar.I don’t know if it is the real name of the bar but the sign in front read NOBEGGING NO FIGHTING NO SMOKING & NO NONSENSE. So outside the bar the partyis in full swing people dancing drinking hanging out. I spot this one piece ofpoison & point here out to Chris & he asks me “do you want her” of coursewhat is a regular guy to say who puts his pants on at one leg at a time. So wego make the introductions and bam…. Me & her are starting to get better acquaintedthen all of a sudden plans change and we are on the road again. Now remember I haven’thad any a*s since Job erg so now my Hornies are starting to preoccupy my day/night I can’t remember. Im’s having a hard day remembering what day it is. We headback over to Chris house have a night cap and I think I pass out and wake upthe next morning with Falco telling us we gotta head back to Hyde Park SouthAfrica. Before we go back there he takes Amir & I back to the hood andgives us a really good bird’s eye view of Mbane. Hills and valleys. Falco takesus up onto the mountain top and show us everything great view an as I told youwanna see a picture now who can’t wait for a microwave to cook your food my pixare coming. While we are standing on the top of the mountain Falco’s wife callsus and we are able to see her in the new Benz SUV climbing the mountain sheflashes the lights for us and Falco tells her we will see her later thatevening.
Swaziland is a really great placeto visit. After being on the mountain top taking a plethora of photos we headback. Finally met Stix wife Kim andfamily really nice people. Before I leave a pair of jeans I purchased thezipper went south (bad) I bought a zipper for a pair of jeans that I boughtfrom the states and you know as well as I know I am not taking a pair of jeansto the tailor even thought the tailor here is less than $1.00 USD so home boylooking kinda like I need a pair of jeans and I say “here you go please enjoy.”Give homey the zipper I bought in Maputo and he’s one happy camper. Say so longnot good bye to Falco’s homies cause I know I will be back to Swaziland eventhough I didn’t bust my cherry there. Not for lack of need just a lack of time.Remember I told you about the loser’s table at the wedding. So now we on theroad again heading back to South Africa to Falco’s because the next day Monday Amir& I have to go to Ethiopia. As we are motoring down the road Falco tells usthere is one other person he wants us to meet before we start back to job erg.We stop at Falco’s homies house Maga. Now Maga is the chief engineer ofSwaziland who is control of all types of sh*t. Maga tries to explain his job tome but then he also offers me some suds and Swaziland’s best party favors. Wespend a good amount of time talking and fortunately Maga has a small bench anda little weights in his garage. So by myself I’m able to suck down about 200reps of curls and about 100 flat benches of about 50 kilos. Just to keep thebody tuned. Never know when one of theseJiggers gonna try ya better to be prepared or be looking like some Bitch. Hangout at Maga’s meet his wife Kim and we are finally on the road. Oh Snap I forgotto tell you we went by Falco’s mother’s house and she wasn’t there so we wentby the church found his mother took some pix his cousin is the pastor of the churchan since it was a Sunday put some loot in the pastors hand …. While we werealso at the church met Falco’s cousin who is the lead counsel to the king tookpix and all that really nice people beautiful church.
Getting back to the ride to Joberg. Rode through some very beautiful countryside doing 130 to 140 KPH and yousee all these signs warning you about wild animals running across the highway.What did I say about babies / Fools & airbags? So the ride back fromSwaziland to Job erg was beautiful. The worst thing about the ride the temperaturedropped to about 3 degrees centigrade. Cold as a hoes heart on a Saturday nightand all the boys’ pockets are loose and this hoe Pu**y is tight and she wanna ripyou off. So we stop for dinner at a road side restaurant have a great meal. Falco’skid’s immediately go to the game room and start playing video games then thefood comes. Had a great meal. Now here is the big moment….. The bill come andbefore Falco is able to grab the bill I snatch the bill from the waiter Faster than Uslain Bolt can run 100 meters andpay it. Now remember the entire time Amir & I were with Falco he refused tolet us pay for anything. I was starting to feel like a freeloader. I wanna payfor something g too. Paid the bill and on the road back to Hyde Park and fromthere in the car Myself Amir & Falco are taking about going back to theRoyal park garden and getting my last piece in Job erg for a minute. Man we gotto Falco’s crib and crashed . One bad note as we were coming through thecountry side on the highway saw a really bad wreck a car got turned into asmashed up can. By the way the car looked I do not think anyone survived. Gettingback to my story made it back to Falco’s house too tired to do anything fromthe fishing lesson in Maputo to hanging out with Banda Chris house and all theother thing . a lot of thing I forgot to mention that we did that weekend. Wecame to the natural consensus that it would be better if we all called it a night.The next morning Amir *& I have to fly out to Addis Ababa
